The Art and Purpose of Self Doubt

Wait, you're thinking. What about crippling self-doubt? The sort of thing that freezes the creative brain in place like a deer in a spotlight until the moment has passed and we just can't even? There's an art to it? A purpose, even?

Well, sure. Self-doubt is hand in hand with self-restraint, and discretion being the better part of valor, and all things in moderation, after all. I was sitting here this morning thinking I'd like to take an axe to my self-doubt's hamstrings, and have some time where I was not second and third-guessing myself everytime I try to make art, or write, or do pretty much anything at all recently. But then it occurred to me that without a healthy dose of self-doubt, I might run straight into trouble. Sometimes I need to have that urge to seek some validation of what I'm thinking I want to do. Like... meeting a guy who runs a print shop, with a gorgeous printing press and talking to him about short-run art books. Oooh! But wait. Wait a cotton-picking second, my self-doubt says. You're not even close to good enough... and that check on myself led me to sit and talk this through with the First Reader and realize that yes, there are definitely things I'd love to have custom printed. But taking on new projects right now is contraindicated. I'm struggling with those, let alone new ones.

So, yes, having some self-restraint is not necessarily a bad thing. It means that I don't just answer an important question off the top of my head - I go look it up, and check my memory against another reliable source first. So I can answer confidently and authoritatively. Or, should I find my memory was flawed, go about correcting my stance as necessary. Because we all pick up information from odd sources, some of which are, shall I say, not exactly reliable. But because I have a full and more-than-sufficient dose of self-doubt, I try to check my sources, rather than letting my conformation confirmation bias run rampant. Like right there, where I checked I was using the right word. Of course, if you do that every sentence, checking words and such, your doubt will indeed cripple your ability to do anything. But used properly, in the correct doses, it makes you a better person.

I'm telling myself this because I am struggling with it. And it's not an easy battle. It's one I have to fight over, and over, and some days I don't even try hard. I'm exhausted, and the effort of reaffirming that I am ok, I am useful, I am needed and valued, that's really hard some days. I have days where I coast, and other than doing what's in front of me, I'm not stretching and growing. My doubt gets me down, and then it kicks me. If I let that go on long enough, it's really hard to get back up again. I don't know if it ever gets impossible. I don't think so. I've let it take me down very far - further than I like to think about and remember - but I have always gotten back up. In the immortal words of the Monty Python, great Terry Pratchett through his character Granny Weatherwax, I aten't dead yet.

There's a balance, then, of overweening self-confidence that leads to the road of arrogance and downfall, and the writhing in the dust of self-doubt that just keeps kicking you when you're down. Somewhere in between there's the trend of 'normal' which isn't a straight line, it's more like finding your limits and trying to stay in between them, more or less. And when you know what your limits are, you can figure out when you're outside your 'normal' trend. Which varies from individual to individual. And changes throughout life. Me, for instance. I used to be able to run. I was competitive, at one point I won the right to be called the fastest female cadet (Civil Air Patrol) in NH. Now? I know better. I can walk. I can walk really well, and for a long time. But I can no longer run, and if I tried it would be because I'd muzzled my self-doubt and was about to find out just how bad arrogance could feel while I wheezed for breath. That's life and age. Takes a toll on a body. Am I going to let my self-doubt knock me down and get a few good belts in over the change in my physique? Nah. I might look in the mirror and wince, and vow to exercise more, but it won't be running. In that I am confident, because I know it's outside my limit of endurance now.

Creativity, however, is a whole 'nother bag of biscuits, as the Junior Mad Scientist says. She looked at me with a straight face the other day and informed me that she's not creative, not even a little bit. I looked back at her mermaid-colored hair, different-colored fingernails with splatter overcoat and careful color scheme, and thought about the time she'd coined an utterly hilarious word since she wasn't allowed to swear. "I don't think that's true, sweetheart." I told her. But she's convinced of it, in spite of the OC she's writing that is so far 'original' as to have very little connection to the original tale that spawned it. I need to work on that girl's self-balance, for sure. But I can't fix it - she has to learn to see it herself. It's not as easy as knowing your physical limits. Is what you are doing creative? That's a difficult question, and perhaps not one we can answer for ourselves.

I can sit here feeling like there's a wet towel abandoned on the floor of my lungs, and knowing that's a limit to my physical endurance. But I can't always look at a drawing, or a page of text, and say 'this thing is good,' even if I do say that one day, I may change my mind the next. That's where external feedback is really handy. Or, on the flip side, crippling as it may join your own self-doubt in kicking you in the nearest kidney while you ball up and try to take it. I used to have my First Reader monitor my book reviews, so I didn't have to see the crap ones when I wasn't up to shielding myself. I've had creative feedback that cut my hamstrings, metaphorically, and coming back from that... well, I wouldn't have, without the persistence and gentle pressure of friends who believed in me. Love you guys.

Doubt can be a good thing. Just don't let it persuade you that you're useless, worthless, and should never try to do anything because you're total crap. Because you're not. Think you are? fight me! But be prepared to lose and admit that you are good at something, even if it's just being stubborn over your own self worth.