This is a free association post, intended to get my mind warmed up and ready to write. You see, I came home from work, stopped to talk to my son about his day, sat down to write, helped my son make dinner... well. Got up, helped, sat down, "Mama, how do I...?" Sat down, up down up down. And then I ate, chatted with my husband. Let me go back just a little. I've been struggling with insecurity. Like, a lot. It's part of the reason I've been so quiet here on the blog. I don't feel like I can write interesting stuff with the mess that's left of my brain after a day of work, and weekends are a horse of a different color.
So I have been trying to be intentional about my moods. Being me, this partly means journaling/tracking my daily moods and thoughts to see if there are patterns in the data. It also means I'm trying to do things that make me feel better about life in general, if not necessarily about me. So I asked for, and got, a very long hug from my Beloved this evening. Just... held. Got to lean into something that isn't me for a while. I have a lot on my shoulders, and taking a moment to deliberately take that off, set it aside, and be. Even knowing I have to pick all that back up and settle the load again, it's good. It's better for taking that moment. I don't have a choice but to carry it all. I've already put down everything I think I can. And yes, the writing, the art, the graphic design, I have to do those. They are my second job right now, the income is necessary. This year has taken a toll on us all.
I keep thinking, if I can make it a bit longer, I'll be able to rest then. I've told myself that for literally decades. Just a little longer, when I reach this milestone, or that one, or... Right now, that bright light that may be the end of the tunnel is the Little Man becoming an adult and spreading his wings. Three years, probably four. That's not that long, in the grand scheme of things. It will pass, and I'll be all alone (well, hope and pray I will still have the First Reader!) and then I can finally put down the 'parenting minor children' part of the load and commitments. I'm aware, very aware, that 'parenting adult children' is a new and discrete burden that I have no idea what shape and weight it will take until it's on me. I'm already feeling a bit of that and shrugging it into place. It's not a bad thing, just a new thing.
But I live in hope of a day of rest, some day. It's the carrot bouncing along, never drawing nearer, never getting further away, either. It's always something, isn't it? You just keep the momentum, and you never give up. I can't surrender to the despair.
The Time of Darkness is upon me. I leave for work at sunrise, I come home at sunset. For the next month, it will get even darker, and I won't have that much cheer and light to keep me going, with work schedule. It's always a difficult time. Every year, by February I am sunk into the abyss, clawing at the sides for traction to keep from sliding further in. Every year I try to add more tools to my repertoire to keep me from falling in, or slipping too far. Last year (I think?) I put a grow light over my desk for daylight feel while I am working. This year? I'm hugging my loved ones every chance I get, and asking to hold on when I am slipping. I'm being more open about my inner thoughts, because turning the light on the shadows keeps the scuttling things at bay. I'm trying not to listen to the inner whispers. It's hard. It's very hard, and there are days I fail, and I retreat from any contact, because I don't want the ick to rub off.
Mostly I want the sunlight back. And that, I cannot control. So I'll control what I can in my life, and my attitude toward it, and I'll focus hard on the beautiful, and the good, and the necessary.
I'm trying. I can't think straight. I can't do anything right.
I'll just get up and try to get it on the second try. The sun has gone down, but I have faith it will come up again.
And now, I'm going to go try writing fiction.