Burnt Brown

Done to a turn

I was amused recently when a friend posted a meme about going out and touching grass, with the alternate of ‘come back to your dungeon and finish that internet fight.’ I wholly agree with the importance of being outside, soaking up some sunshine, enjoying the nature that surrounds us even in urban settings, and the complete irrelevance of any internet arguments. I did make time yesterday to finally do some work in my garden. Thing is, it’s been a long, hot, dry summer in Texas. The grass is burnt brown. Toasted. Air-fried, even.

I am, too. I hit burnout a few weeks ago. I can clock when that happened because I started to have mild anxiety attacks about opening my email. I needed to check it. But I also had no spoons for… anything. My emotional and physical tanks have been on fumes for some time. This is not a good situation, I’ve been here before, and I know what happens. My body starts to pitch a fit when I’ve been ignoring the subtle signs of ‘get some rest, dummy’ and takes me down hard with getting sick. So. It was time to evaluate the really important stuff, and hack the dead underbrush out of my mental forest before it ignites and burns the whole thing down.

I am, needless to say, not actually good at this. I tend to overcommit, to be unable to let go on a project when it rises from the deep of months of no-contact to suddenly grab me by the ankle and try to pull me under. I am very bad at reading my mental and physical cues to know when it’s time to rest, as I mentioned above.

I figure I’m not alone in this. So I’m sharing, in hopes that I can give someone an ‘aha’ moment.

I started scheduling rest days. On my calendar I have them blocked off in bold red highlights with DAY OFF.

I am pushing off the old projects. If there hasn’t been activity on it in a couple of months, I’m telling the client that sorry, I can’t do this. I had time on the schedule then, but not now.

I am saying no to new requests. I hate doing this with the fire of the Texas sunshine, but I must. Perhaps later, I’ll be up to taking on more things again. But not now.

I am telling myself no. No, I can’t expand the garden this fall. Not only is there no rain forecast, it looks like no rain is coming for some time. Planting too much means a waste of time and money. This is a season for letting it rest, just like I need to rest.

I am focusing on home first. My husband’s health is stable, but not good. I want to be able to be present with him on his good days, to spend time and be there with him, not pulled away on a dozen different other things. I also need to get my health better, which means taking time to manage my diet and exercise properly.

This looks so easy, written out in black and white. It is very difficult in practice for me. I’m so tired, and the effort to say ‘no’ or to say ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do this any longer’ and then to step back is a weight on me. I must. I’m done, and crispy. I have to both dwell in the present, and look into the future and say where I can’t do this any more, because I want that future to be a joy, not a constant fear of letting someone down.

I feel a little selfish, prioritizing my garden over the internet, some days. I don’t know why, it makes no sense. Still, there it is. This is partly why I left facebook and won’t go back to being active there. It’s a relief, knowing I don’t have to go check in. I just want to retreat, smell my Unknown Rose, worry about what to do with the trailing rosemary that needs to be moved, and see friends in person once a week. That seems about my speed these days. I’m working two jobs, and all the sidebar stuff is going to have to go. Maybe in six months life will be different. For now? I need to take care of me, as weird and terrible as that sounds to me. I keep having to tell myself I’m not lazy, I’m overstressed to the breaking point. Maybe soon I’ll believe that.