I am unmoored
Hum, 38 years older than you young lady so I feel I can pass along unsolicited, some dutch uncle advice: Enjoy the next exitiex years, the coming decades, good, bad, beautiful ugly.
It all keeps it interesting, without the ups and downs, smooth seas, the reefs, storms and zephyrs, it would all be just a tasteless pablum.
Don't know what, if anything, that free advice is worth to you, but writing it was a needed reminder to myself. <grin>
Sudden or even gradual turns in life are definitely unmooring and you've hit a number of events both good an bad over the last year or so. It's no wonder you feel unmoored. You are surrounded by good friends and family, all of whom are happy to give you a shoulder to lean on, cry on, laugh on. It's okay to ask them to do that.
With only 15 years on you, I don't have Jim in Alaska's deep wisdom, but I can say that it's an interesting ride no matter what.
Tiffany is right about the food and the gratitude writing. I am/used to be prone to anxiety and panic attacks, especially when hungry. After much self-experimentation with paleo/primal/keto/carnivore, I have found that simply emphasizing protein (i.e. ~1g per lb of weight), helps keep me on an even keel. Now, when I feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack I immediately know why and even something as simple as that helps calm me down.
Very lovely prose. A deep swim inside.
When all you can think about is the loss, the sorrow, the sadness, there are two things to do, and they are not easy.
1. It's time to pull out a notebook (physical) and favorite pen. And start numbering and listing EVERY SINGLE THING you are grateful for. The giant list (Try for 100 to start, and then 500 and then 1000) of things you do have (even if in memory) will start to weigh down the scales to the side abundance and light. Even if it's as simple as "I'm thankful that I had X for breakfast today".
2. Figure out how to start healing your body. Maybe herbs (I might suggest researching Blessed Thistle for helping to rebalance the hormones, but you may find other things), diet (the carnivore diet is well known for straightening out hormonal issues in many cases.) and self-care (which you know how to do, you just haven't been doing a lot of it lately.) and/or maybe even some EFT or other meditative methods.
And no, none of that is easy, in any stretch of the imagination, but drip by drip they help. They have brought me up out of the darkest time of my life several years ago. And continue to aid me now. As long as you have breath to breathe you can change your story.